ABOUT US | SUBSCRIBE | LINKS | E-MAIL EDITOR | HOME
|
|
ABOUT US | SUBSCRIBE | LINKS | E-MAIL EDITOR | HOME |
| Ragged Edge EXTRA!
|
Internet dating and disclosure Plenty of Fish in the 'Net A lot of disabled people have trouble getting out of the house. But with a computer and the internet, we can shop, go to school, take care of our bills -- and socialize.
Socializing, chatting with others, being a part of what's going on in the world is good for everyone. Socializing on the internet can even help you find your soulmate. Online dating services are controversial. For disabled people, there's another wrinkle: should you disclose your disability right off the bat to a potential mate? If you don't tell them from the start about your disability, is it leading them on? Is it right? Is it wrong? Does that make us just as deceptive as the average man or women who pastes their face onto a gorgeous body and says, "this is me"? I've had some experience on the online dating circuit. I've asked myself, "If I disclose my disability, will they bother to reply?" "Will they bother to get to know me or just not want to get involved?" *** I didn't tell "Kevin" at first about my disability; not for about two months. Until then I just told him I was "the answer to his prayers." "Where have you been all my life?" he'd ask. We emailed back and forth several times a day. He wanted to meet me; he talked about going camping and showing me the moonlight from his boat. He was excited for me when I passed my finals; I cried when his dog was hit by a car. Kevin was a dream come true for me. We seemed to have so much in common! We talked about our children, discovering that we agreed in our thinking about how children should be raised. Then I told him about my disability. Now he told me he "wasn't looking for a serious relationship, but we could be friends and write each other once and a while." I haven't heard from him since. It hurt. We were as close as we could get through email. Did he think that because I am missing a foot and some fingers that I wasn't the person he'd been talked to before he knew of my disabilities? "Where have you been all my life?" he'd asked. Was I no longer that woman? My disability is visible, but it doesn't change who I am. Getting through the hard times helped make me who I am -- the person he once said he had great admiration and respect for. So what happened? *** After the disappointment with Kevin, I decided I was going to be upfront about my disability right from the start. That way I would not be wasting my time on anyone or setting myself up for unwanted disappointments. The truth from the start was the way to go, I decided. No, I still didn't mention my disability in my profile. But I would tell them in the first communication, I decided. "George" seemed like a pleasant person. He had a couple of kids; he was also going back to school. In my first email to him, I told him a little about myself: that I was divorced, I was also going back to school, that I had a son, and that I was disabled. I told him a little about what my disability was, then found myself telling him that "even though I have these problems I am still able to get around. I am raising my son on my own, doing things everyone else does." I was trying to sell myself, trying to talk him into giving me a chance. "What am I doing?" I asked myself. I didn't know enough about him yet to even decide if I wanted to get to know him better -- "and here I am trying to talk him into giving me a chance? What am I doing?" I sent the letter anyway. I never heard back from him. I found myself confused: which was the best way to handle telling possible mates about my disability? Should I tell them from the start and take the chance of them never taking the time to get to know me and seeing I am a good person no matter what disabilities I might have? Do I invest some time in them getting to know them better, and allow them to get to know me a little better, knowing darn well that once they find out I have a disability I could very well get dumped? *** After George, it was a few months before I answered another online dating e-mail. But eventually I did. It dawned on me that it is unfortunate, but some people cannot handle -- or just don't want, for whatever reason -- a mate with a handicap or disability. It's too bad -- and it's their loss -- that they feel this way. The people with disabilities I know are some of the most enthusiastic, life-loving, caring people I have ever met. Unfortunately, they are also some of the most discriminated against people i know, judged unfairly by others on a personal level. The answer to "when is it the right time to disclose my disability" is, in the final analysis, an entirely personal one. In my own case, I have decided that it's best for me to take the time to see if I want to get to know a guy better before worrying about telling him about my disability. This gives him some time to get to know me a little. If I start to feel that he could be more than just a chatting buddy, then I plan to tell him. If he is truly the type of guy I want to consider having a more serious relationship with -- or if he is indeed my long-lost soulmate -- then he will see that my disability doesn't define who I am, that it just enhances it. My advice to anyone who's been in my situation is this: don't feel pressured or influenced by what you might read. Just do what is right for you And remember: there are plenty more fish in the 'Net.
Posted Aug, 21, 2003 Audrey Wagner-Paige is a freelance writer and a single parent trying to better the quality of life for her and her son. WHAT DO YOU THINK of what you've just read? Click to tell us.
|
ABOUT US | SUBSCRIBE | LINKS | E-MAIL EDITOR | HOME
© Copyright 2003 Ragged Edge Magazine
This Website produced by Cliffwood Organic Works
